TRAPPED

Black. Sounds. Darkness. Voices. Pain. Screams.
I am unable to sleep, I can’t even if I forced myself,
So they force me, lots of pills, yet nothing changes.
Each time I close my eyes, it becomes real again,
And I’m powerless, just like that day. Darkness.
I can’t breathe, I’m drowning, suffocating, struggling,
The walls are closing in on me, they call me crazy,
Think I’m faking it, but I can just wish I was. Pained.

Beautiful. Sexy. Handsome. Perfection. Smiles. Happy.
Round perfect brown eyes, a chin so sharp and perfect,
And your hair, neatly brushed to the back, handsome.
Always wearing a smile, something that I can’t own,
Your world is perfect, while mine is shattered, broken,
Anything you wish you can have, anything and everything.
Your perfection makes me wish I had what you have,
That maybe, you are the light I’ve always needed. Wishes.

Black or white. Hot or cold. I’ve never known alternatives,
I don’t want alternatives. That would attract vulnerability.
Fake smiles, fake love, fake everything, except honest hatred,
Spiked insecurity rates, trusting no one, betrayal is eventual,
Alone and empty. That’s how I’ve always felt, since before.
I got friends and family, but none can fill that void in me,
I make wishes to the universe, never found no answers,
I’ve always been empty, but then there’s you. Hopeful.

I’m broken, damaged, scarred, bad, manipulative,
I’m capable of anything, cutting you in pieces,
Ruining everything good in you, till you damaged.
I’m so mean to you, more than I did anyone ever,
You are like a contest, something I desire to win,
I love you so much and I hate you just the same,
I don’t want you near me, yet I need you so bad,
I push you away in many ways than one, ruined.

I broke you, and keep breaking whatever’s left,
It feels sickeningly good, though it nags. Trapped.
But you still here, despite all the darkness in me,
Like a torch in a dark warehouse, you are my light,
I can only hope you are strong, for you, for me.
You’ve always wanted my truth, this, it’ll scar you,
It might even scare you away, but I need you, love,
Here, with me, I’m sorry, don’t walk away, please.

Without you I’m just a basket case, empty, void,
But with you, my life is warm, and it feels good.
I’m not good for you, or anyone ever. Scarred.
Yet you make want to be good for you, I want to,
Your love keeps showing me that I have hope,
That there is still time for me to turn around,
Give up the desire for revenge, work my way out,
From the trauma, and all of it. With you, I’m free.