DAMAGED

You looked at me, lied, like it was a normality,
Ignoring the pain and agony you caused me,
The insecurities you spooked, broken trust.
I should have known it was too good to be true,
Even noticed when you started cancelling plans,
When it became okay not to remind me of your love,
When I was in doubt and your brother laughed,
The thoughts of us becoming hilarious suddenly.

I hate you so much and adore you just the same.
You mess me up yet I still want you. Stupid, yeah.
You make me break all my promise to myself,
The promise that I would set myself free of you.
Even that which warns me of letting you in my head,
Yet look at me, broken, damaged from trying to fix us.
Maybe I should just leave and move away on a new path,
A decision I have thought through thousands of dates.

I’m in pieces because of you, my Armageddon,
I keep hoping that things will change. Hope.
I want to say you don’t affect me no more.
But I’m so damaged, brutally destroyed,
That the broken thoughts of us keep me going.
And even then, my foolish heart still beats for you,
My brain is almost exploding with thoughts of you,
Of whether there’s an off chance of you and me becoming.

Subconsciously I keep investing, diving fast,
Falling for you with every sun set that counts,
And when my heart sleeps, my brain wakes me up,
Whispering the harsh reality in my ears,
Convincing me not to quit and just leave.
But you know what miffs me even more,
Is the rhythmic increase in my heart’s beat,
At the mere thought of you, my obsession.

The feeling that keeps haunting my sanity,
A reminder that no matter what I do,
No matter how hard I try to be free,
It all means nothing, my efforts won’t matter,
That you will always be my stalking shadow,
The one thing I could never rid myself of,
Without making a mess of myself.

You say you love me but we both know,
We know its easier to copy ‘I love you’,
And paste it with an addition of too,
Instead of owning up and proving it.
You say you want ‘us’, together,
When all you got are copied quotes,
And excuses make it more evident,
That there’s no ‘us’ in your world,
There never was. I’m damaged by you.