RETHINKING INFIDELITY

By Nyaduwa Otieno

Why do people cheat? Why do ‘happy’ people cheat? What is infidelity? Why is it that men cheat out of boredom and fear of intimacy while women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy? Is infidelity the end of a relationship? Adultery is a widely common act that is universally practised yet loosely understood. It has existed since marriage was invented, so is the taboo against it. In fact, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy. So, how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden yet universally practised?

The definition of infidelity keeps on expanding; sexting, watching porn, staying secretly on dating apps et cetera. My definition of infidelity is an affair, a secretive relationship, an emotional connection and a sexual chemistry with a person outside your ‘zone of commitment’; may be a girlfriend or a spouse.

95% of people agree that it is wrong to have an affair and to keep quiet about it. However, when asked what they would do if they had an affair, most respondents say they would do the same; keep it secret. In history, men practically have the license to cheat with little consequence; a host of scientific theories have been advanced to justify their need to roam. This double standard is as old as adultery itself. Women on the other hand are considered less likely to be caught cheating as compared to men. Moreover, when it comes to sex, the pressure for men is to boast and to exaggerate, but the pressure for women is to hide, minimise and deny.

There are a number of paradoxes we deal with today, one of which is ‘ monogamous relationships’. In the past, monogamy was ‘one person for a lifetime’. Today, monogamy is a ‘one person at a time’ arrangement. In the past, we got married and started having sex, but these days, we get married then stop having sex with others. Secondly, we rely on our partner’s fidelity to gauge our commitment to faithfulness. This is not because we live in an era where we feel we are entitled to pursue our desires. This is the culture where I deserve to be happy. If we used to divorce because we are unhappy, these days we divorce because we could be happier. Today, choosing to stay is the new shame.

When we commit to a partner, we have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfil our needs and fantasies: one to be my greatest lover, my best friend, my trusted confidant, my emotional companion, my intellectual equal. To my partner, I am chosen, I am indispensable, I am irreplaceable, I am the one; and infidelity tells me I’m not. This is the ultimate betrayal. Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love and is often traumatic since it threatens our sense of self.

At the heart of an affair, you will always find a longing for an emotional connection for yearning, for freedom, for sexual intensity; a wish to recover lost parts of ourselves and an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.

Contrary to what we may think, affairs are a lot less about and are a lot more about desire; desire for attention, desire to feel special. The fact that you can never have your lover keeps you wanting. the incompleteness makes you keep seeking what you cannot have.

In conclusion, infidelity is the utmost betrayal of trust and love. To the perpetrators, it is as exciting as it is consequential. It is universally agreed that infidelity should be condemned because now than ever before, it threatens our emotional security. I however believe that infidelity offers a new perspective for a couple; your first marriage has ended, are you willing to start a second time?