SELF DECEIT.

I find myself myself in quite a tight spot, my heart and mind conflicting gravely
Sometimes, I try feeding ideas into my head, that maybe, I’ll learn
Even though I know very well, such an art is never taught, it cannot even be mastered by any one person ever,
So I force myself to love a man I despise, only cause they judge me for loving a woman.
I hate their probing eyes, they always feel like they’re undressing me
Judging me for lying to myself, mocking my unbearable self deceit
So I cry my eyes out every night, I cry for a love so true and pure
Like when dad gently kissed my mom’s hand as they laughed about anything
Or when he held on to her so closely she couldn’t help but giggle from his warmth
It was that I wished for every waking morning,
But I feel so fucked up, especially whenever he’s fucking me,
Always so gently, yet I end up feeling so violated and used
I wonder if when he stares right into my eyes he sees the lie written all over,
If maybe he’s gonna leave me soon, cause I couldn’t cut him off, I don’t wanna be alone
So I’m loving just for the heck of it, giving just so I would feel like I’m getting something too
But all this is wrecking my heart, tearing just a perfect foot into my soul,
But what I’m I to do? You won’t let me love her freely,
always pushing and pulling, plotting and destroying all I ever believed in.
Maybe some of us get to only write sad stories, ones we’ll never get to tell anyone
Stories that live, hurt and die in us.