DROWNING

My heart hurts,
I’m suffocating,
And I’m alone here,
My demons are drowning me,
My monsters smiling at me,
And even though I’m clawing,
The pain won’t go away.
Not even the knives,
Or the blades,
Or the staple pins,
Or the nails,
Or even the stones,
None of these things,
The things of my addiction,
None of them,
Can make it stop,
They’re all useless.
It hurts so bad,
I want it to stop,
I’m hurting a lot,
I need an escape.
All this,
All of it,
This is overwhelming,
I want to hold on,
But I know I can’t,
Not even if I tried hard,
Coz I’m just a human,
Who is existing.

I’m scared,
I can’t even think straight,
My fear is crippling me by the second.
I don’t know what I should do,
And I’m clueless,
Absolutely clueless.
I’m scared it’ll stop,
That I wont feel shit no more,
That I’ll feel empty again,
But I don’t want I to,
I don’t want to go back there,
Coz it was lonely,
But it was peaceful,
It was empty,
There wasn’t life there,
Just my absolute emptiness,
And for a moment,
I drowned in it,
The very emptiness,
That stole my sanity.
I wanna feel,
I wanna experience emotions,
But with the rate I’m drifting,
I’m scared it’ll stop,
And I can’t feel empty again,
I don’t want to,
Not even when it hurts.

I thought they’d stop,
That the blows would reduce,
But they kept coming,
Like I was the punching bag,
And I endured it,
I held on with hope,
But it was all shattered.
I thought the pain would subside,
But it ripped through me,
Crashed everything I had,
Strangled the breaths out of me,
And I let it,
Because I still needed it,
I needed the pain to exist.
I even thought,
That the anger,
Would be suppressed,
But it did, for a moment.
That the smiles would be real,
But maybe I’m cursed,
Maybe this is my reward,
For being the black one.