NOT TODAY

Breath puffs fast and quietly from cold lips
Arms trembling
Palms clammy with sweat
‘I’ll do it today’, she says
And bravely, terrified
She steps into the world beyond her door…
The swarming streets are full of people,
Busy, busy with their lives,
Some look happy, some look sad.
‘it’s not so bad,’ she says looking around
And for a brief moment in time,
She is free from the chains that bind her
And she marvels at the wonders of the outside world…
Then it happens,
The people become to many,
The noise, too much,
The voices
The laughs
The cars hooting in the streets
The people shouting
The click of heels in pavement
The swish of clothes
The banging of doors.
It’s too much,
Too too much.
The street walls start closing in
The open street suddenly feels like a small dark box
Eyes dart around unable to settle
And a cold sweat dots her forehead.
She begins trembling,
Shaking like a leaf
Her heartbeat pounding like a drum
She can hear it loud and clear.
The outside world presses against her
Burtally and unrepentant,
Crushing her…
A chocked high pitched keening sound reaches her ears
And she realises, it came from her…
She can’t breathe,
Yet her chest heaves with the force of her breathing.
And the edges of her vision begin going dark.
With the last of her strength she dashes back to her house
Slams the door
And shuts the world out.
She welcomes the blissful silence of her home.
She stares at her trembling hands
And feels the shakes rattling her bones
‘Not today it seems’, she thinks to herself
Her legs finally give out and she slides to the ground
She wraps her hands around her still shaking knees
And tries to breathe,
To calm her racing heart
To settle her fractured thoughts.
After a while she tells herself that it’s gonna be alright
One day, not today, but one day
She will do it
She will venture into the world
And she will do it
Without the cold mind numbing fear
That seems to have her by her throat

Gihihi?