Yeah, so today is my birthday but I can’t help feeling the same. I’m twenty nine now. Mama’s breathing down my neck about grandbabies. Pop’s going on and on about me leaving his house, all Independence talks and shit. My boss sent me the last of my severance package last week, and I’m down to a meagre couple hundred. I guess I could invest more but eh, you only live once, right? It’s been my mantra since I found what I thought was freedom. My liberation came earlier than most of my peers, but that’s what I get for my revolutionary rebellion to the rules of what and when and why from the parentals.
My phone is ringing. It’s my girlfriend. Ness and I have never confirmed to the idea of being under the constraints of rules and regulations and morality and all that. No. My goddess of a girlfriend makes everything fun. But lately, strange things have been going through my mind. Strange thoughts of children and a home and the occasional leaving a legacy talk. I’m losing my train of thought. Yes, my phone is ringing. “Wanna share a bag of blow and smoke a blunt?” She didn’t even say good morning…well, afternoon. It’s half past noon. “For your birthday of course. I’m buying.” That’s more like it, I think. “I’m on my way.” I quickly shower and of course clean up a bit. Wouldn’t want to slip any sort of clue as to my creative pursuits.
She’s really pretty, my Ness. But it’s fading, she’s looking more haggard everyday. Perhaps it’s all the blow. And the grass. And the blues. Well, basically anything. The party is raging and I am not sure I can walk, or anything but snort some more. It’s my birthday anyway, anything goes.
I wake up in some sterile smelling room. I don’t know any place as white as this. Mama’s looking down at me. I am confused. Last I checked, I was at Blair’s place with Ness and the gang. I concentrate on Mama. She has tears streaking down her face. I want to wipe them away. I raise my hand and see her flinch and move an inch away. But more importantly, my hands are restrained. I stay still and then I feel it. Every bone in my body is on fire and my throat hurts. I look to Mama with questions swarming in my eyes.
“He is no son of mine! No son of mine would willingly partake of these insanities!” I beat my father up for asking why I came home late. I threatened to kill him. Everything comes rushing into my mind. Oh God! What had I done. Ness! She ran away from me. Tears in her eyes. I did not want to remember. It’s too much. I look back to my mother, she is on full sobbing. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I just wanted to let go.
“I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry I failed to take care of you. To see your pain. This is all my fault.” No! Mama shouldn’t blame herself. But I can’t tell her that. I can’t because I still blame them. I blame everyone. But before then, I must sleep. I might tell you everything when I wake up.
Behind my closed eyelids are my nightmares. I see her everyday, her beautiful toothless smile, her pretty little fingers and grey beautiful eyes. A very startling image of little Ness. Only blow and grass erased that memory. But I can’t tell anyone that because deep down, I knew I shouldn’t have. I knew my mama would’ve helped me anyway I asked without batting an eye. I knew I could heal. But I didn’t want to. Because the high was better than the pain. Because reality was far worse than the beautiful world I was transported to under influence.
About the Author
