You said yesterday was the last time. I knew you wanted that statement to mean something, you wanted today to be different but today you fell into that dark pit, again. The pain was too much, you felt a lump in your throat, you couldn’t take it. You wanted, no, you needed an escape. You needed an illusion because reality was too much to handle, your fragile self felt weak. It didn’t matter that the puff moved you a step closer to your grave, all that mattered is for the moment you felt alive, you felt seen.
I know of the rough days, of the days you tremble with fear and anxiety. I know you haven’t called home for months, not because you don’t care anymore but because you can’t face them, hell, you can’t even look at yourself. You can’t face the person you’ve become, you can’t bear the shame. What you don’t know is that they still love you, even when you’re messed up, even when you can’t go for a day without the pill, they still love you. So go home, even when you have no idea what you’re going to say, go, that’s where you start. And doing drugs doesn’t mean you were not raised right, you just missed a step but the beauty of life is you can always start over. You think you’re too far gone to look back but here’s the thing with rock bottom, the only way to go is up.
I know of the little book that has become your confidant because you push everyone else away. You’ve always felt attacked and judged so you built a Jericho wall around your heart. But the thing with a book is it doesn’t feel, so that’s just one of your temporary reliefs. You love movie nights because for a moment, you lived in a fictional world, you escaped your troubles. That’s the same with books, you get to live a thousand different lives before you die. But when it’s all done and everything is gone, you only have your dark twisted self to go back to.
I know this is a tall order but please be kind to yourself, even when you relapse for the 100th time, be kind, you are all you’ve got. One day all this will be a part of who you were. But here’s the thing, this won’t be a magician pulling a rabbit out of his hat, you have to be intentional. You have to want this. It might take months or even years but with little consistent steps, you’ll get there. And today, if you feel sad, listen to Surrender by Natalie Taylor. I’m not promising heaven but it will help you get by. Sidenote, even when it gets so hard that you don’t want to get up tomorrow, please don’t give up, it does get better.
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