WHAT I CANNOT FORGIVE

I’ve thought about how to start or how to tell you this,
But I can’t figure out a way,
So I’m just gonna say it.
I’m not gonna pretend that I know how you feel,
Coz I’m not in your shoes,
But what I do know
Is that you had a choice.
And you picked the the puff,
The glass with the amber liquid,
The white dust that promised you heaven.
It changed you,
We used to have so much fun together,
Joy and laughter were a plenty,
But now,
Now I’m scared to come near you,
Because I don’t know…
I don’t know if I’ll meet a smile, a razor sharp tongue or a fist.
You always knew where to hit to make it hurt the most,
You could so easily tear me down,
And you did
Left me feeling worthless and useless.
You’ve left bruises on me
Ones you could see,
And ones you couldn’t.
And I know when the haze cleared from your eyes,
And you saw the extra make up I applied,
The slight hesitation in my step,
That you were sorry
So very sorry…
But you couldn’t come out and say it.
So you went back to your ever so loyal companions…
To mute the guilt or to build courage I don’t know
When you’d wake up,
You’d turn around
And try to rebuild me
But you never did apologize….
I don’t know if the reason why you never apologized,
Was because if you did,
You’d acknowledge that there was a problem,
That something had to change or one of us was going to break.
I don’t judge you because I know that sometimes your inner demons break free,
And you need a little extra liquid courage to face them.
But what I cannot forgive,
Is that you willingly chose them over me,
The single malt on the rocks,
That British tobacco,
That snow white powder,
That you still continue to choose them over me
And you expect me to be ok with it.
I am not.
And I never will be no matter how much time passes.
I promised to stand by you through it all,
But now, I have to choose me over you
Because if I don’t, at the end,
I may not still be there to choose me.
You won’t listen to my words when I beg and implore you to stop or get help,
Then maybe you’ll hear my silence when I’m gone.
Good bye.

Gihihi?