WHAT IF

By Gladys Gachanja

What if you were brave enough?
To love me unconditionally.
To shelter me from everyone’s insults.
To teach me how to love myself.
Brave enough to allow us to chart our own love journey away from society’s prying eyes
But instead, you chose them over me.
Sweeping me off my feet like a tornado
With no desire to land me on my feet softly
Tearing my innocence apart.
You promised to nurture my scars,
Tend to my broken heart
Guard my secrets like they were yours.
But instead, you ripped my heart apart
squeezed it like a lemon and drained away my innocence
told your friends how easy a catch I was
how I let you time and time again lift my flimsy skirts
and explore my sexuality
ravaging my womanhood like a beast
how I shamelessly mourned your name as you pumped deeper into me like a whore
I thought you were different
I offered myself to you
Because you promised me a slice of heaven
But instead, all I got was raging flames of hell
You left me high and dry like an autumn leaf
Ready to give up on life
Ready to die
I felt disgusted, worthless, used, cheap, slutty, shameless, etc.
Because I unknowingly gave my love to a coward
One who didn’t know how to care for fragile hearts
I forgive you for not knowing how to love me right.
I forgive myself for trusting you.
With these scarred wounds, you left.
I will live my life to the fullest.
Allow myself to regrow my beautiful petals
even though they may come with thorns.
Unafraid of the horrid dreams of us
That haunts me at midnight.
Not even the brightest stars can illuminate my heart again.