The Last Of Losses

I used to wonder what loss was,
How hard the hit would have to be,
How imperfect everything would seem.
I had fantasies of what it was,
Thought of the scenarios and attacks,
And for years I thought loss was death,
That loss was the casket closing,
Losing a loved one, but it was beyond that.

It was all a game of wins and misses,
With lives hanging on the balance,
With people trying to make things right,
And yet each time, with every trial,
The misses were much clearer,
I was once in such a position,
One that got me on a losing streak,
And for a moment, it felt like a dark hole.

I remember standing at the center,
Helplessly watching as the sun went down,
Hopelessly clinging onto the hope,
That maybe tomorrow was going to be better,
But tomorrow was never better,
Tomorrow never felt normal,
I wouldn’t know what normal is,
But what was happening, was the new normal.

Tears kissing the pillow in the night,
Hollow smiles gracing the daylight,
Waving at the day like a robot,
Staring like we would be stuck there,
And yet even with the darkness,
Even with all that took us out,
Even with the cracks on the surfaces within,
I wanted to hold on.

So, I fought to stay on the side that won,
To light up the normal,
But it still felt like loss,
Only this time it was distinct,
The loss at the doors of mercy,
The brakes that broke in the darkness,
The laughter that had gone dry,
And the darkness I never understood.

Maybe I hoped for too long,
Maybe I wanted so many things,
Maybe I desired the impossible,
Maybe I needed to understand this loss,
Because only then would I know,
That this wasn’t really a loss,
This was a chance to restart,
To make it whole again.