The Toughest Man, What A Joke

A girl. A child. A daughter. A human, perhaps,
But all you saw was a toughest man in there,
When all I wanted to be was your daughter,
Not the girl who could be stronger than most,
Not the most responsible of your daughters,
Not the girl burdened by the weight of your past,
Not the child broken by everything about you,
And you still ask why I hate myself, what a joke.

Was it so hard to look at me like you did them?
To love me unconditionally like you did them?
To hold me when I muffled my cries at night?
To wipe the tears that came because of you?
To tell me that I wasn’t going to do it alone?
That I had your support and you cared truly?
That I wasn’t just your counselling therapist?
Was it so hard to be my parents… is it still hard?

You brag about the eldest daughter you have,
The girl who never disappoints and is graceful,
The child who has always been well-mannered,
The child you never had to worry about, ever,
The child you trust more than the other kids,
The child who can always handle things easily,
The child who always, always understands,
But what about me? Do you even see me?

You talk like that child has always been a star,
Remind people of the children you raised,
Of how well they turned out, how graceful,
When my nights were never peaceful,
And my nightmares were filled with your faces,
When my mistakes cost more than possible,
When my tears were invisible to all of you,
When what you see to this day is a tough man.

But Mom, I am not tough; not anymore,
Pa, I’m just a girl, one who needs you too,
Sister, I’m just their child like you too,
Brother, I’m just trying to hold on to life,
I can’t be strong to serve you always,
I can’t always be the one with the shoulder,
I need a shoulder too, one that understands,
Like I understand all of you, how unfortunate.

I don’t want to be the toughest man, Mom,
I want to be your daughter, your little girl,
I want to be a sibling too, brother, sister,
I want to be free too, and not closed off,
I wish to live, even if it is harder like that,
Not just as an eldest daughter for all of you,
But as a human who deserves to breathe, please.