The Touch of A Man Too Soon

You saw me crying but couldn’t stop.
It’s okay, you won’t hurt me, you always said.
We struggled, as I tried to get you off me.
Your grip tight and your weight heavy, you killed me.
Taking the life out of my soul with every thrust.
Beloved uncle, you lied. You hurt me.
Sigh.

As the moon shone bright over the hut,
Your hands traced my body like a painter on canvas.
Your hot breath danced on my skin.
Only it wasn’t in worship like the stars adore the sky.
You took a part of me that wasn’t yours to take.
Staining me for life. Beloved brother, why?
Sigh.

Coming from constructing a neighbor’s house
You called me into the house.
Grabbed me. Tied me like an animal.
Spoke things a father should not to his child.
Killed my soul and bruised my body.
Beloved father, why?
Sigh.

Mom, bad things happened to me when you were gone.
Mom, bad things happen to me when you’re gone.
I should have told you, right? Wrong.
That your brother, your son…
And the excuse of a man you call your husband,
We’re hurting me…
Sorry mom. They took my voice too.
And the dumb don’t speak, do they?
Sigh.

Mom, I make myself small in rooms. To stay unnoticed.
Mom, I walk around with my head bowed down,
Afraid, that should I look up, they will see me,
And that touch of a man, my curse, might begin again.
You’ll probably say sorry. It’s too late.
Sorry doesn’t fix everything. And no, I don’t blame you.
I curse them. I hate them with the kind of fire that shapes gold.
Sigh.

I want to shoot arrows into the eyes of those monsters.
Behead them and compensate myself for what I didn’t deserve
Poetic justice.
I’m tired of this crucifixion,
From self-disdain, resentment, disgust, emptiness, condemnation
Eating me up alive as I crawl towards life.
I want to scream my lungs out.
Sigh.

I need someone to blame.
Give me someone to blame. To put this weight on.
Give me a new body. Give me the strength to smile.
Give me the courage to look up at life.
Give me the courage to look at my broken reflection.
Is anyone there? Can you hear me? Will you help me?
Sigh.