Till Death Do Us Part

I craved a hot shower. The kind that burns too close to the bone.
Lit candles. Scented the tub. Slid in.
As the sombre music played out of rythm with my heart.
I remembered his face.

The black dress? The pink skirt? The blue jeans?
I couldn’t tell what I was dressed in when I met him.
The school library? The restaurant? The club? The hike?
I don’t remember where I met him either.

But I know that a routine abortion procedure later,
That is how normal broken had become for me,
I learnt, too late, the hard way
H for height. I for Indigo. V for vanity. You got that right.

The nights out. The life I chased.
Craving and chasing an identity that’s broken.
Wanting to belong. Chasing a high..
I reaped it all. In big measure. And then some more.

You know, when they say that karma is a bitch.
I was fully convinced that all the people I had hurt.
Had bowed down and kissed her feet.
And she paid me a visit and carried her whole army along.

I withdrew. I stayed in darkness most of the time.
Shunned light. Became a shadow of myself.
Turned into a pale drug-dependent bot.
Just so that the world couldn’t see the harvest of my choices.

I lit a cigarette, sipped on the bourbon just like old days.
I drunk until I couldn’t drink anymore.
Then slowly started slicing my wrist.
One, two, three, four, five, ten, twenty, twenty six.

Wondering what I was counting, right?
The pills that became my normal day to day life.
The boys, guys, men that I whorred myself to.
The number of times my heart stopped beating when I overdosed.

Dear reader, hi.
My name is.. sorry ..was Blue. And I’m dead.
Funny, isn’t it…the dead don’t speak.
I know. First time for everything.