The Last Thing I Remember

The wind blowing through your hair.
The mascara flowing down your face from tears of laughter.
Your hand gripping mine on the steering wheel.
A loud bang. Then the fall. Steep. Prolonged. Slow.

I remember the fear in your eyes.
The water breaking your breathing.
Your scream as you took in water.
I swear my love, even in the water I could see your tears.

If only the safety belt unbuckled on time.
If only I could break the window on your side.
If only the door could have unlocked with ease.
I wouldn’t be here, without you.

I had promised you I would learn how to swim.
If not, I’d learn to at least float. I never did on time.
Life happened….They said. That was not life happening.
That was me losing you when I shouldn’t have.

I couldn’t save you. I couldn’t save myself either.
The white walls around me cave in in intervals
Rebuking me. Condemning me. Laughing at me. Imprisoning me
This is the result of the phrase, life happens.
When they come to see me,they act scared of me
Like I’m an explosion waiting to happen
Overtime I have come to believe
That I deserve this punishment… restrained to a wheelchair forever.

I couldn’t save you.
I hate myself for living when your life was cut short.
To date I don’t know what you saw that made you grab the steering like that
All I know is you’re gone,
And every breathe without you is a curse to my existence.

You going limp beside me. That’s the last thing I remember.
My last memory of you. Taking your last breath.
I would give and I have given everything to go back to that day.
To bring you back.

But I can’t. And if I could get a new brain and memory
I choose this broken mind, brain, spirit and soul
For in them you live, though gone
And every breathe without you is a curse to my existence.