Was It Deserved… The Abuse?

Maybe it was really my fault for trusting you,
For believing you were the adult who cared,
For trusting that you loved me genuinely,
For hoping that you would be a nicer family,
For thinking that you were a good person,
Because surely Ma and Pa wouldn’t allow it,
For someone as horrible as you proved to be,
To be so close with their daughter, right?

Maybe I deserve it, the abuse that extended,
The manipulation into trusting you sheepishly,
The way that you held me roughly that night,
How you pushed my legs apart to explore,
How you insisted it was my clothes’ fault,
Even when I couldn’t understand a thing,
Because mama loved me, she couldn’t do this,
She couldn’t put me into clothes that…

Maybe it really was my fault, all of it.
For not being careful with my wardrobe,
For not knowing that they would please you,
Or were you irritated that night you came to me,
Was that why you tore them apart in silence,
Careful so mama and papa wouldn’t hear you,
Or was it because I was always a happy child,
And you needed that smile forever gone?

Was it truly my fault that your hands roamed,
That my chest was suddenly attractive to you,
That I was ten and sleepy in my parents’ house,
That you were thirty and desperate for a release?
Was it my fault that my neck was so tiny,
That you gripped hard and almost broke it,
And made me promise to tell mama I fell,
When it was all your doing, in a night so silent?

Maybe I was unworthy of love, or was I?
I can’t quite remember much about love,
Not after you ruined it for me that night,
But I couldn’t tell what love was, even then,
Because no aunt would do what you did,
Not when you were supposed to be a safe place,
At least in my safe space, in my home,
Yet somehow, home changed after you came.

None of them trusted me when I spoke,
Because your story was more believable,
The girl who fell and twisted her ankle,
The girl who loved playing football with boys,
Never the girl who was abused an entire night,
Never the child who was torn apart endlessly,
Never the child who would never trust anyone,
But the niece who loved and trusted her aunt… sigh.