LICHT

Light… That’s a word I’ve always admired. It’s a word I only know the meaning of but haven’t really experienced. Last time we were together, I told you how damned I’ve been. How damned I am. I stripped my soul bare. Not sure why but I’m sure it’s not for sympathy. Really, I’m fine. I was just doing an assignment.

It’s not all make up stories. In fact none of it is. She advised I try writing about my woes. That maybe it would help. She said writing allows my mind to settle in the present. That I’d be leaving the bad memories on paper so I’ll be free. She also gave a few other colourful ideas. None of which I’m keen to get to so fast. Like visit Mama’s grave. And that’s the easier among the rest.

It’s been a year since she advised me to fill this journal and as I write I’m on the last of it’s pages. It’s been a year of battles which have left me bare and vulnerable, defenseless and weak. I’ve fought demons and they damn well took their pound of flesh.

I’ve relived every terrorising minute of my less than bearable childhood, each waking moment of regret. But I’ve also appreciated each of those moments. Because I’ve been able to see just how much life shapes us; whether by positive acts or negative ones, somehow you learn.

When I walked into her office, my father behind me, my real father, I knew we’d gone to waste his previous money. After all, he had an excessive amount, and technically, he owed me for eighteen years of absence

She smiled and said it would be okay. All I had to do was accept I needed help. All I needed to do was allow someone into the abyss of darkness that I was living in. So I begun. I made her laugh with all the jokes I made about my vile experiences. Two sessions later, she made me write. And here I am.

Each word I put down gave me a kind of release I never can explain. But I kept writing and kept crying. And then some. Soon I had the guts to read out to her. And she sat there drinking it all on. Not once did she cry. Not once did she show pity. And that gave me strength. So now I live instead of surviving. I do not yet know how to swim. But I can float. I can’t run or walk yet, but I can crawl. And I see light, licht, at the end of the tunnel.