“I was quick to fall in love, not that I regret anything I did, but maybe that’s where I went wrong. I loved too much and almost forgot the most crucial part about giving all you got, the part where I would be left with nothing. The part where I would most probably be a basket case when there was nothing left to give, the part where I’d start to see my uselessness because I had literally nothing to table.
So when he woke up that morning and watched me sleep, I thought it was just his usual routine which was kind of creepy but romantic in a sizzling way. But then he opened his mouth and the first words he said still reel me into mild shocks even to date. He said I was not his priority no more. That he had better things to do and I was suddenly not important, I was no longer useful, I had outdone my usefulness. No amount of vocabularies that I put in here will make the description any more precise than the fact that I was done for.
I should’ve been hurt, broken even. Because despite knowing it myself, I never expected him to blurt them out on a Sunday morning. I mean who even does that? But then I can’t blame him, even if I wanted so badly to pin it on him, maybe he was right, maybe my conscience had been right all along when it warned me against diving all in. I was just a human, I am just a human, one who always had the desire to test the boundaries, maybe that’s why it never hurt so much.
Or maybe it never hurt because I always shut down whenever I was about to start feeling something, anything. My emotions scared me, they still do and that was why I was still in bed even when he had glitter-bombed my daily wear. I wanted to curse, well I did obviously but this time I just wanted to curse myself for loving the experience too much and ignoring the most obvious of signs.
I hadn’t ignored but that day I just wanted to be like those people in the movies and the beautiful parts where they hurt even when they don’t, then someone comes out of nowhere with chocolate chips are vanilla ice-cream and tubs and tubs of creamy foods. I wished I was a movie character and that when the curtains closed, it would mean a close of a chapter and the birth of a new character.
When he said all he had wanted to, he was waiting for a reaction. I’mma be honest with y’all. On the outside I had my carefree bitch-face on but on the inside, I had killed him over and over and again and sent his dust to his ancestors. I wanted to squeeze that beautiful face of his till it was deformed then tear him limb by limb just the same way he was tearing my heart apart piece by piece.
You’d think that expecting a disappointment prepares you for when the actual disappointment breaks on your door, but look at me, I still wanted to bash his goddamn face and human self in. too trapped in my thought to realize he was waiting for an answer, he had to clear his throat just to get my stoic face to look at him. But how do you tell someone that you already knew how worthless you were to them without flinching?
Campus was messy but so was my love-life, so much so that when he told me his priorities had been reorganized, I knew the exit door looked better than the window of hope that was drilling faint light into my life. I had to make the move because if I didn’t, I’d be stuck in a cycle.
My descriptions of my campus experience may not suit your readers, but I really hope they will learn from mine. I hope they let go when the signs are there and not wait till the bell rings for them to know it’s time to leave. Shukriya.”
Alright people tell her what you think about this experience in the comment section and remember you are worth everything. Until the next episode, I wish you lots of love this week.
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