ABSENT LOVE

You describe love exactly how you experienced it. See, a father is a girl’s first love so here’s to all the girls whose fathers broke their hearts before any man could. To all the girls who cry in the depths of the night with a pillow over their mouths because they are too scared to pour out their hearts, too scared to be labelled ‘the girl with daddy issues’. To the girls who don’t play checkers with their hearts because life has taught them how to play chess. The girls who battle the demons of depression and abandonment because the one person whose approval they sort most engraved in their minds that they are worthless and undeserving of love. To all the girls who’d rather take the longer route to class because they don’t know whether its okay to say hello for a third time to a person they just met, and can’t talk about it because anxiety is a white girl problem.
And they seek approval from men who repeatedly stab them and trample on them but they keep going back because they love the person holding the knife. You taught them that is what they deserve, they are the problem. And every day they question their existence, their faith in God is a flickering candle which can go off with the slightest blow of the wind. They have carried this load of bitterness for too long, it’s wearing them down, there’s no more fight left in them. Yet they don’t know how to let go because hate is a part of them and you created this monster. They don’t know how to be loved, how to let people in. The wall around their hearts is way too high for anyone to climb. You should have taught them what to look for in a man but instead you scarred their innocent souls and every single time someone reads a piece on Father’s Day; they leave the room. We are black, we don’t have the privilege of breaking down in public, that is what society has taught us so we shove those feelings of desperation back in.
People say they love the rain but take out their umbrellas with the first drop so how do you believe when they say that they love you? They have learnt to trust no one but themselves because at the end of it all, all you have is you. And their prayer is not for a lighter load but a stronger back, not happiness but less pain. That tomorrow will be a bit better than today. But whatever higher power you believe in, this is what He says “I’m sorry that the earthly father I gave you does not represent who I am. Let me love you, I promise it won’t hurt. Put your heart in my hands, I promise not to crush it. It pains me that you get hurt searching for a love that I freely give you, mine is a love that you will never have to doubt. You have absolutely no reason to trust me but all I’m asking is for you to try. It won’t be perfect but it will be worth it.”
So, to all the girls out there who have to change outfits a thousand times because they are scared of body shaming, you are beautiful because the God who created the universe thought that the world needed one of you too. You are worthy of love and of every good thing that life has to offer. I hope that you always have the courage to walk away when you are being treated less than you deserve. I hope that you always choose your peace of mind over everything else. I hope that you never settle because society thinks you are running of time. You can be a functional human being without being a mother because motherhood is not for everyone. I hope that you always have the courage to pick yourself up and ask for help if you need to. I hope you always choose life.