FALLING

I’m falling,
So fast and hard it’s scary,
So cruel and harsh I can’t stay,
So ugly and nasty my sanity pukes,
So bad and gruesome I feel so lost,
Kinda low and terrifying I want home,
I’m really falling,
But I have no idea why.

I’m falling,
But I’m not falling in love,
And I’m not falling out of love.
I’m not falling into depression,
And I’m not falling out of depression.
I’m not running away from my doom,
Nor am I running towards my doom,
If ever I fell into any.

I’m falling,
For promises,
For fvcked up realities,
For stupid beliefs,
For broken sifts,
For shitty excuses,
For messed up anger,
For things I don’t believe in.

I’m falling,
But I don’t want to no more,
Not because I got ego,
Or my masculinity,
Or my sanity,
Or my reality,
Or this emptiness.
I am because I need her.

I want to stop falling,
To stop waiting for her,
For her calls and texts,
Dimpled smiles,
Beautiful soul,
Appreciative gestures.
I just want to stop waiting,
For her acknowledgement of us.

Coz it’s tiring,
I’m worn out,
I’m broken,
I’m a mess,
I’m damaged,
I’m trapped,
I’m suffocating,
And I’m slowly drowning helplessly.

If only I,
Had the strength, I’d leave.
Had the power, I’d ruin.
Had the wind, I’d ignore.
Had the blade, I’d cut deep.
Had no heart,
I wouldn’t be in pain.
Had hope, I’d be free.

I don’t know if I have a heart,
Or if I have a subconscious.
But I just wanna be free,
Even from the clutches of society.
I wanna cry without my manhood at stake,
I wanna laugh without hiding my pain,
And I wanna love without being played.
I just wanna stop falling and rising just to crash harder.