FADED

You are the past I should rid myself of,
But you are the past I never wanna lose.
My brain cells freeze at your memories,
My heart makes wild leaps at the same.
This doesn’t feel right or okay,
But somehow whatever this is,
This keeps me going, functioning,
Whenever I’m too lost to function.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to move on,
When I’ve lost sight of everything but you.
Like a curse you’re etched in too deep,
Yet like a wrapped blessing you give me reason.
I don’t know how long shit is going to be like this,
Coz I’m too tired and exhausted to fight against it,
When all it ever does is give me endless pain,
Which in a twisted way has become my escape.

Goodbyes were not supposed to hurt so much,
They were not supposed to steal so much,
Or maybe they actually were supposed to,
But I was too trapped in hate to accept goodbyes.
I’ve always hated goodbyes, I never really liked them,
Coz goodbyes meant seeing each other whenever,
Only that whenever was never even specified,
Coz whenever didn’t ever mean anything.

I don’t know if I lost you or you lost me,
I’m not sure whether analogies fit in there,
But either way someone lost someone,
Maybe I’m the one who suffered a loss,
Yet life never did give me a chance to choose.
Maybe I’d have chosen you over my memories,
Or I’d have chosen our moments over you,
Because either way all of this, was faded.

Everyone around me reminds me of you,
One way or another I see you in them.
From their postures, heights, skin tones and colors,
The little things that make you, you.
I’m going crazy seeing you in my people,
It’s sickening thinking of you all the damn time,
But somehow that’s the only way I can feel,
That’s sadly the only way I can live.

I used to sin differently before you,
I definitely sin differently after you,
Maybe because I keep looking for you in all of them,
Even when I know there’ll never be another you,
I let you in when I shouldn’t have,
Embraced you when I never should.
Like a drunk I kissed your sorrows away,
Without knowing I’d reap the same sorrow. Faded.