I FORGIVE YOU

I forgive you, I forgive you for the nights you came home late, angry and hit me so hard that I accepted that was your way of expressing love, anger. I forgive you because I was an innocent and helpless little girl who believed in fairy tales and happy endings and forever so I always hoped that one day you’ll be the hero that I needed you to be. I forgive you for the days that I craved for someone to hold my hand and tell me everything will be fine but you were never there. I forgive you for making me learn things that a seven year old girl should not have. I forgive you for making me become an adult sooner than I should have. You took my innocence but I forgive you for that too. I forgive you for teaching me that I should have been the hero that I needed you to be. I forgive you for missing all my birthdays and every time someone asked me to make a wish as I blew the candles, it would be the same, year after year, that you would be here.

I forgive you for all the times you made me shrink to make others feel better about themselves because not once did you tell me I made you proud. I forgive you for all the times you made me cry myself to sleep wondering what I had that was so unforgivable. I forgive you for all the times I made a picture book and the part where your picture was supposed to be was always blank. I forgive you for ghosting me, us, when we needed you. See, I lay in bed every night thinking that maybe I would have been a different person if you were around but lately I am learning that people give out what they have and all you had to give was anger and bitterness so no I wouldn’t want to be a different person, I turned out perfect.

I am a better person, I give out love and joy to everyone I meet because I know what sadness feels like. I know how it feels when your soul is tearing apart and you are drowning in a bottomless pit of sadness and no one is there, so I want to be there, I want to be present. I choose to be a better person because the world is filled with so much bitterness, it does not need more angry people so I choose happiness. I choose courage because I know that whatever happens, you’ll live through it. There are days when you will hit rock bottom and you will feel your life crumbling before you but that too shall pass. There’s happiness and joy on the other side, you just have to live through this phase.

I forgive you, I forgive you. I have waited for a lifetime to say that and now I feel free, free for whatever beautiful things life throws my way. Forgiveness is difficult so it definitely has taken a tonne of effort to get here but this feeling, it’s totally worth it. It’s worth every article and every book read, it’s worth all the journaling. Today I choose to take on life, my greatest loss is behind me. There are still things, lots of things that I need to work on but I’m definitely ten steps ahead of yesterday so here’s to living and loving and to spending every single day like it’s your freaking last day on earth.