The corridors were busy, people screaming, children crying, blood spilt on the emergency room floor and she just sat there staring into the oblivion. And for a moment, she felt like the world around her didn’t exist, she felt alone. All these voices making orders and crying for help made her head spin. She just closed her eyes, held her head in her hands and felt her soul slowly slip away from this body which she had called home for the past 23 years. She felt like a deep black hole was sucking all the life and energy from within her, she was stripped of the will to live.
“Grace Makena, the doctor is ready to see you” She didn’t bulge. “Grace Makena, we don’t have all day, there are sick people here, actual sick people” If there’s one thing I’ve learnt after all these years is you don’t want to annoy the nurses. “I’m calling on Jesus, don’t bother me when I’m calling on Jesus, I don’t do it often. And He might hear me.” She said in a little frail voice, loud enough for the elderly woman next to her to hear but not the mean irritable nurse. She stood up and for a moment, she couldn’t move. She felt her whole being paralyze and her eyes were stinging with tears. Lavender, that was the smell of his shampoo. She liked that smell, probably the only beautiful memory she had of him. She hated the blue coloured hospital walls and the smell of old sick people but when you hit rock bottom, blue becomes your favourite colour and you treasure the words of wisdom from the old and the wise.
She was not interested in the “all will be fine” talk, all she wanted was her test results. She wasn’t a football fan but he was, and she knew the tension build up when it’s the 89th minute and your team needs to score at least three goals to get to position two in the premier league. She had that feeling, only that this was no football match but a white piece of paper that was about to change her entire life. Her hands were sweaty. She took the white envelope, tucked it nicely in her black purse and walked out of the doctor’s office. She headed straight for the Old Rock café, the hotdogs there will make you jump (she had overused this line). She sat at the table by the window and ordered a hotdog with ounces of mustard and mayonnaise, exactly how she liked it. “If this were my last meal on earth, I’d die a happy girl and if they are not serving these in heaven, I don’t want to go there” she thought.
One last stop before she went home, the ice-cream shop. She loved coffee flavoured ice-cream. She must have eaten two gallons or so of that. The screaming silence in the house scared her. She looked around, noticed the chipped off paint, the crack on the wall, the dust and cob webs on the ceiling. She had never noticed all this before or we could put it this way, her subconscious mind deliberately omitted these little details whenever he was around. They were soaked in love, at least she thought they were. Pain, hurt, violence, these are not the synonyms of love. She sat down, fished the envelope from her purse and opened it. “HIV positive” right there, in big bold letters, you couldn’t miss it. A tear rolled down her cheek, she was only 23, but aren’t they all young and underserving of whatever life throws at them.
That night they meet in the bar down the street is still vivid in her mind. He was in his black polo shirt. His lips tasted of honey and he could feel his eyes pierce through the depths of her soul. He made her feel alive but now she cursed that night because all it brought were tears and regret. See, the sun sees your body but the moon sees your soul. She got in bed, switched off the lights and stared at the moon through her window. The sky was beautiful, when you are dying, you appreciate the little pleasures of life like a beautiful night sky. It’s sad that it takes an event that draws us close to our grave for us to appreciate the beauty that is around us. Slowly sleep carried her away but tomorrow is a new day. She planned on carrying her basket and collecting all the happy moments to display them on her shelf, to be a reminder on her darkest days that life, well life is still beautiful.
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