I wake up in the morning, make a coffee and sit in my study to write as I listen to my favourite radio station. I had planned my day before sleeping last night and I look forward to the day’s activities. This is unlike me several years ago when I was in a deep relationship with the powder and injections. Getting through a morning routine was a big battle for me; pretending to be fine when deep inside I was embarrassed, hurting and dying.
When I was addicted to drugs, I literally battled to survive every single day. I used drugs to escape from my real self; to feel good but paradoxically it only acted to prevent me from loving and caring for myself. I cannot count the nights I spent in the cold streets trying to get high only to wake up with hallucinations and feelings of denial.
I was losing my work, my good friends and my family. Thank the angels I was not a family man; I never had time to be a father or a husband; just them drugs and me. My family was worried about me but they couldn’t help, I was so wild and eventually they gave up on me.
One day I met a policeman in my sober state and from the way he spoke to me, I knew my life had to change. He was a reformed addict and he gave me all reasons to quit drugs. He did not promise it would be a walk in the park, I would hate myself at times but it was worth it. That’s when I remembered I was a baptised catholic, I was a university graduate, I was a brother to siblings who needed my support.
The journey was not easy; just like the guy had told me. I became withdrawn, hated my state and kept to myself. I felt like the world was crushing. Was I going to survive this? Did I make the right decision? I missed my street friends but I had promised never to go back. Living in my house and doing all the chores by myself felt like a punishment. But I dared to walk the tightrope thus the new me was born.
When I stopped doing drugs my relationship with myself improved, I connected with myself more and in a deeper way, accepted and loved myself more without seeking outside approval and a “better’’ feeling. I was able to hold honest and meaningful conversations with other people and I enjoyed being around people especially my family and friends who missed me during my drugged years.
I now enjoy activities and events and I no longer find myself counting hours to the next drug moment. My holidays are more productive unlike the past when I spent them in dirty corners injecting myself and hiding from the police. My employer is happy with me and I enjoy serving the company.
In my journey out of my mess, I made a firm decision to:
1. Think about situations which were most likely to make me turn to drugs and planned how to deal with them. I had to decipher strategies on how to respond to my former friends who were still in hell because I knew they would lure me.
2. Imagine myself as a sober person and how successful I would be. I always imagined staying sober in a place that would normally not allow me to; I imagined how I would be responsible at home and at work if I were to stay sober.
3. Stay away from events likely to tempt me to do drugs. This meant hiding from my team and even totally cutting them out of my life.
Have some support behind me. This meant having people who I could answer to, someone I could be accountable to. They helped to keep me in check.
4. Take off the mask and become my real self. I had to stop running away from myself and accept that there will always be highs and lows in my life. Upon kicking the barriers, all the masked fears went off and this paved way for healing. I began to look after myself and eventually became a better person capable of loving myself and others. I now face my future with courage, and I can experience low moments without escaping to drugs.
#Dorcas Samuel, the madam?
#Based on a true life experience.
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