DEPRESSION

“That’s the thing about depression. A human being can survive just about anything as long as there is an end in sight. But depression is so insidious that it compounds daily, impossible to see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.” Elizabeth Wurtzel

That, in a nutshell, is what depression is. It is waking up in the morning and being unable to get out of bed. Physically, there’s nothing wrong however, there is no energy, no drive to do anything. All I wanna do is lay in bed and let the day pass. When I drag myself out of bed and go make breakfast, it doesn’t taste right. Suddenly, I’m crying these silent tears that make no sound but slowly crack my soul with each tear that splashes on the table. I feel horrible and, there is a heavy emptiness right where my heart is. I slide to the ground, put my head in my hands, and weep; because I woke up feeling like this. As if the air is heavy and, I can’t breathe. Like I am weighed down by heavy anchors. So I cry because that will make me feel just a tad bit better. A while later, I get up and drag myself to get ready, because I have class and I can’t be late.

That day is too bright and too dull at the same time. The sun hurts my eyes and, there’s a grayness to everything around me. I get through my classes on autopilot. Just being there and existing. My classmates are happy and cheery but, their joy makes me feel worse. For once, I’m grateful for my horrible eyesight because my glasses hide my misting eyes. I am surrounded by people, but I am alone, painfully isolated. Someone once told me that going out and interacting with the world would lift my spirits; how mistaken they were. A friend strolls over and starts chattering. I hardly listen to a thing she says tired of this day, tired of trying to put in the effort to appear normal, of feeling like this. I am just tired. She asks me if ok. I could tell her that no, I’m not ok. That I am hurting so badly that all I wanna do is sleep for the next 48 hours so that I can stop feeling this way. I could tell her that just being around people, trying to act normal makes me exhausted. That despite having it all, I am not happy; I am sad. So sad that sometimes I toy with the idea of ending it. Just being done and putting it all to rest. But I can’t. So I force my lips to turn up a bit and say, 

“I am fine. I’m ok. Sleepless night.” The lie rolls off smoothly from my lips.

Back home that evening, I just sit down and stare at the ceiling, so drained that even the tears refuse to come and help relieve the pressure of the turmoil I feel inside. An hour, two hours, three hours spent staring at the ceiling. I am empty, unable to muster even the energy to eat. So I drag myself to bed and hope that sleep will at least soothe the gaping wound of my emotions and, maybe tomorrow, I will feel a smidge better or maybe, I may feel worse. It is never a sure deal what the morning will bring.

Many times this is the reality of dealing with depression. Depression eats at you, feeds off the very marrow of your bones, and leaves you feeling horrible, miserable, and empty, with nothing left to try and fight it off. It’s feeling hopeless, helpless, and worthless; unable to open your mouth and express those feelings and ask for help. It is difficult to explain and, many people just don’t understand, even close friends. They will listen and be sympathetic but few will truly get it. From my experience, the best way to help someone dealing with depression is to let them know they are not alone. Listen to what they say and what they don’t say. Observe them, their eating habits, dressing, and their general energy levels because sometimes depression creeps in and, the one suffering from it won’t even notice. 

Also, don’t say, no worries, you’ll be fine because with depression that’s never a guarantee. Depression is a battle fought every day inside one’s own mind and even those victorious never come out unscathed.

Gihihi?