Unexpected, Unconditional, Yet Loved

I thought a lot of things were impossible,
That there was a system to be followed,
A mastery that needed to be kept always,
And yet the first time I saw your face,
I knew I would be breaking the damn rules,
The very rules I created for me and my people,
The rules whose consequences were dire,
But consequences be damned; you were mine.

You were not what I was looking for,
Though when I saw you, I didn’t know too,
Maybe something had changed along the way,
Maybe I had to be on that side of the world,
To find you even if I was not looking,
And maybe that was why it took me a while,
Since I was not sure you would want me,
The person everyone wanted to have and hold.

You made me – a very secure man – insecure,
Made me want to do things unusually,
Because I wanted to be appealing to you,
Like it was the only thing I lived for then,
I had a life before I saw you that night,
A life that was perfect and structured,
A life that didn’t have loopholes and chaos,
But you made me want to leave that perfection.

I needed you more than life itself,
I prayed for you on the alters of the deities,
And while I knew I didn’t believe in prayers,
You made me want to believe in them again,
You made me want to be better and likeable,
You made me desire that which was beyond me,
Someone who would never look at me, ever,
So, I yearned and waited for you, however long.

The nights had grown weary since then,
The winds had become harsher than usual,
Or maybe they had always been like that,
And I never paid any attention to them,
Perhaps it was a chance for me to listen again,
To the people who wanted better lives,
And lives I never gave a chance to, ever,
But would it matter when the night was over?

And now as I lay here beside you,
And watch the love in your eyes for me,
I can’t help but wonder how it would have been,
If you didn’t make the first move that night,
When I was just a fucked coward on the streets,
Who had much to live for, but none to live for,
Perhaps I wouldn’t be writing this long letter,
Silently thanking the sun and moon for you.