I remember days when I starved myself hoping death would come faster, those in which I contemplated self destruction just to alleviate the pain of knowing what was eating me up. It hasn’t been easy really, the truth itself always at the back of my mind, knocking, shouting, whispering every other lonely night.
I remember days when I locked myself in, shunned the outside world and all its people, days when all I had within was fear and total terror nibbling at the very heart of my soul. The truth, haunting me with every blink of the eye, almost pushing me to the brink of my knives.
I remember when I had lost all hope and given it all up, days when I didn’t believe in life, or joy. Times when all that surrounded me seemed so pointless and vague, almost without color. I remember living in the dark, not knowing how much I had waiting for me.
I also remember when I first found hope in her, how she cracked my shell and let the sunshine through. How she held my hand and fought with me. Like an angel, she held me so highly I almost forgot my pains. So she taught me, how to be free despite the terrible looming truth.
I remember how she took care of me, as every day bled away. How she treated me, like her own personal patient, and I always wondered if there were others like her for others like me, I wished. Others who’d have loved and cherished despite my situation, others who’d had stood by you through it all as every night fell. Others who’d have enjoyed a smile on a face like mine.
So with her, I’ve learnt to fight for happiness with every step I take, learn to cherish life, no matter how short it might be.
Most of all, I have learnt to soldier through this dark valley of HIV, I have come to understand that it isn’t a matter that should bring me down, rather one that helps me strive to achieve more while I still can. So I push harder everyday with the biggest smile on my face.
I hope you all out there will too.
#fight stigmatisation
#fight depression.
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