Seems like it is all I hear. In the same condescending tone, going an octave higher too often than it should. The meaning is the same, said in so many different ways. Don’t think the variety makes me miss the point. We don’t do that here. Let me put the mystery aside. The voices always say, make me feel and think that I’m wrong. It is not just my deeds but also the way I look, feel, think, talk, what I believe, what I like, what I dislike and who I am.
Either it is someone’s voice, one of the many people I have interacted with and end up hearing. Even the voices of those I’ve never, or will never see. At times that voice is actually mine, echoing others’ thoughts and opinions or simply me stating what I believe; think. I hear other people more often because I always try to make an effort to fight it. And boy that is a huuuuge and tiring task.
There is always a better way to do things and it’s definitely not what I am doing. Change! You can do better than that. I want this! Not the ‘better’ version but This! Who I am now. I can’t blame the voices. That’s what we have all grown up knowing. That there is a way to live and be. If you’re not that, Change! Catch up!
Apparently, I should not look like this. First, my BMI is high I’m actually obese. Second, it’s a sign I’m unhealthy (mind you I endeavour to eat healthy and workout!!). I must be lazy and don’t move a lot. Or I’m too petite because I must be eating too little food and I am insanely weak and fragile. I just feel wrong because I’m not the ‘recommended’ size. Honestly, what’s so wrong with how I am?
Apparently I am too brash, my taste in music is wanting. Means I am violent, rough and have rapist tendencies (whaaat???). Or I must be a softie and catch feelings quick which isn’t something I should be doing. I shouldn’t be dressing like this. Nor should I expose my skin. I shouldn’t accessorise like this even like to dress like a punk, or slay. It is wrong to not care about my appearance? Apparently I should dress a certain way and care a lot about my appearance. You shouldn’t dress like that let alone want to dress like that. It is not what men normally do, it is reserved for women. Looks like you’re trying too hard. You look like you’re trying too hard to be a man. Embrace femininity. That’s not even a swag.
I am the wrong colour because those of a different colour are better than me! I shouldn’t be my tribe and my race. My hair shouldn’t look like this, feel like this. That’s not how eyes or nose should look. How come your ears look like that and what is wrong with your skin, teeth, lips, ass, boobs? There’s a way you should look and you’ve definitely deviated from that. I believe in the last statement too often than I’d like to admit. I didn’t choose to look like this yet somehow, it is on me to change because I am wrong!
I seem to be doing a lot wrong too. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should think differently, talk in a certain way. My opinion is so wrong and faulty and speaking it is a disgrace. Who thinks like that?? Why are you even dreaming? Or being kind to people? You shouldn’t interact with that gender a lot or god forbid, want to hang with them. You shouldn’t read such books, or enjoy watching, or spend your time doing that.
I get it! I am wrong!!!
What’s the harm tho? Is it wrong to be who I was born to be? Like what I like, eat, talk think, feel the way I do? Why is it so wrong to be me? I don’t really want to change. Despite all the wrong chants, I like who I am and changing isn’t an idea I will buy. That doesn’t mean I don’t try to fit in, reduce my wrongness, shut up more and just conform because I don’t have enough energy to fight and because it is not worth it.
I feel so wrong for who I am. Yet, the ideal is either the opposite of what I’d want, or very unclear for it has shifting goalposts. What’s right? I am not sure. What I am sure of is you are not it.
Yes. I am wrong. Is it so bad to be wrong? Am I the only wrong person?
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