Ill😩

I know I’m not alright.
Even before the doctor made the pronouncement.
Even before I prepared to go see the doctor.
Even before I took the medz, I knew I wasn’t alright.
Medicarion and my downward smile,
Those are what will tell an observer that I’m not alright.

On the inside, things are clearer and not so clear.
With every breath, I’m reminded that I’m less than 100.
Every waking day,
Every step I take,
Every time I say I’m okay,
I know I’m not alright.

So many maybes and ifs,
So very few assurances.
So many advices,
So many good intentions.
Very few good feelings.

Maybe if you did that more,
Maybe if you stopped…
If you eat this more,
Drink that more,
Maybe if you did move more.

Maybe I’m the one who’s not trying enough,
Eating enough,
Moving enough.
Maybe I’m not putting enough effort.
Maybe I’m not alright because I don’t have positive thoughts
Maybe…
It’s not just my physical health that’s affected.
My mental health is in shambles and I can’t ignore it.
Downward smile,
Below sea level moods,
Energy barely enough for breathing,
No hope in sight.
Just this damned illness.

Maybe it’s my fault.
Maybe I’m exaggerating things in my head