NARCISSISTIC LOVE

By Gladys Gachanja

We met when we were both young, wild and free, The world was our playground, and we ruled it with our love, Random parties, smoking, drinking and randomly kissing strangers was what we did best, Not sure if one person could make us happy, But our love matured as we grew in our careers, All we wanted was each other.

You treated me like I was your world, We went to lunch together almost every day, We had a favorite ice-cream spot, We went gaming together, and you even taught me bowling. I was astonished at how much you loved me. You were overprotective, jealous, caring, and wild, How could I have viewed this as anything but love. You had random anger outbursts that gave me goosebumps, But I thought it was just a young man’s passing phase, Helped you through a therapist and my undying support, We finally were in a good place, Planning our unicorn-like future together.

Little by little I noticed you change, Started with skipped conversations, blame games on every little thing you did, Everything I did was not enough for you; I tried to change to suit what you needed, Holding my hand was now a chore to you, We talked, and you assured me that’s how love is, Our love was mature and didn’t need little endearing’s to keep it strong, I quickly finetuned my brain to delete the parts of me that yearned for random hugs, kisses, and our old love,.

I felt a bit unloved but reassured myself that our good old days were now behind us, I yearned to be taken out on dates. Date nights to you were money consuming and apparently, we were saving for our future. I could not imagine my life without you, so I adjusted my needs once more. We argued a lot, and every time I thought we were over, But you came running to me and apologized with gifts and promised to change, And I gladly took you back, my dear future husband.

You suddenly became cold, and I threatened to leave. You cried and said you would kill yourself if I did, Was I stupid or what, interpreting that to mean you couldn’t live without me, Little did I know you were nothing but a narcissist who got your high controlling me with your love. 6 years on, and our relationship was anything but a shadow of how I imagined love to be, But isn’t that what everyone says?

Love changes and priorities shift; as long as you are together, that’s all that matters. I can sometimes see your cold hatred for me, but I might just be imagining, How can you hate me after all we’ve been through? Or maybe you’re a coward and can’t dare tell me you don’t love me anymore, Or you love that I take back your cold, unloving ass every single time you do me wrong.

Fast forward to my birthday, and you cant make time away from work to spend some with me, I freaking love myself! Or at least that’s what I think sometimes. I have no idea how to be single; my life revolves around you. Or maybe if I lost some weight you will be more attracted to me? I could try, but I am too lazy.

Love is kind, love is patient, love is selfless blah blah blah, that’s how I reassure myself every time I think my extra pounds are the reason for your coldness. I think I deserve better, but then again, I have invested myself too much in you, Maybe if I leave, I’ll never find a man to love me or tolerate me as you do. We love each other! We can work this out, I know it.

Or maybe it’s time I find my own happiness within.