DROWNING

I’m a mess, that I must admit because maybe,
Just maybe that’ll be the first step taken in so long.
My emotions are all jumbled up, I can’t do this,
Not anymore, the same anthem I sing daily,
I hate this, yet I love it, I’m an emotional mess,
But somehow this mess, this pain and torture,
Is the only reminder, that I live, that I’m still alive,
Even after feeling numb for the longest time.

I don’t know why I keep hoping, praying even,
I don’t know why you are etched too deep in me,
I don’t know why my mind won’t let me be,
I swear I’m really tired, I’m tired of all this,
I’m tired of seeing you when I close my eyes,
I’m tired of seeing you in every single person,
Not work, class, the gymn not even the damn dojo,
I’m tired of seeing you everywhere, all over.

I don’t want to feel no more, I really don’t want to,
Cuz I can’t take it no more, I just can’t.
I’m hurting, I’m hurting so damn bad,
But even in my pain, just a thought of you,
Just a single goddamn treacherous thought of you,
Has my whole system in order, just one problem though,
My subconscious has run out of memories to replay,
And I’m tired, I want out of this, I’m exhausted.

Mother thinks I’m crazy, I can’t blame her though,
Because crazy is what my life has become without you,
Crazy is my new normal, my life sucks I swear,
So she’s got me visiting shrinks, talking to a stranger,
About the goddamn shit that I can handle alone, not.
But I’m not crazy baby, and I don’t need no therapy,
I just want to be alive, I just want to live, I swear,
With or without you, I simply want my life back.

I’m scared, hell I’m scarred from all the thinking,
I’m scared of this new person I’m becoming,
I’m scared of not thinking about you no more,
I’m scared of not breaking bread with you no more,
I’m scared I’ll lose all my memories of you,
I’m scared I won’t remember you beautiful self,
I’m scared I might just lose all of you, forever,
I’m scared of this new reality, I really am scared.

I don’t know why all this is happening,
When I know no shit’s going to be same no more,
I want to stop, but how will I when you are my air?
Somehow when there’s a knock at the door,
Somewhere within me is the hope of seeing your frame,
The hope that’s very toxic, the very hope,
The very hope that I’ve been addicted to,
I’m drowning in hope, only this time, I’m alone.