TOXIC

I always told myself I’d fall for you someday,
That somehow I’d feel the way people in love do,
That this was just normal even though I never believed.
I always told myself things would change someday,
I kept hoping that these things would change,
That someday we’d be okay, but okay was never okay.
And even then I let myself hope because somehow,
Despite knowing that hope was toxic, I needed it.

I always wished I’d get the butterflies I read of in books,
The uncomfortable comfort of being in love,
The carelessness yet selflessness of love,
So like a watchman I was on the lookout for signs,
Desperately I latched onto the beliefs that followed,
The ideals that every love story was different,
Every little subconscious thing had me alert,
Coz that was the only thing that reminded me of love.

I always wanted to envision a life with you,
But slowly you were becoming the person I didn’t need.
My brain always tried to argue with logic,
Yet not even logic could rule out time wastage,
And my heart never failed to point out the mistakes,
Those that I was very aware I was making.
How could I snap away from this illusion,
When this illusion was the reason I could stand you.

For so long I hoped things would change,
That we’d even be a tad bit normal, just a little.
Funny how I expected change from you,
When I kept lying to myself about you,
When I wanted to feel sparks that never were,
When I needed kisses that meant nothing,
When I couldn’t bring myself to the reality,
That I pitied you too much to break your heart.

For personal reasons I never believed in love,
Yet for these very reasons I admired lovers.
I was used to a broken endless cycle of pain,
The cycle that I always went through alone,
So when I found you I thought I’d fix us,
That your broken pieces would fit mine,
And that we’d make each other whole again,
But nobody can fix a heart that refuses to heal, like mine.

The term love came to lose its meaning overtime,
It was evidently a useless term between us.
For endless counts I wanted to give up,
Because we were both toxic to each other,
And sometimes I actually did, such was life.
I couldn’t get myself to leave all of this,
Maybe because I felt useful in this relationship,
The only thing that gave me reason smh. Toxic.